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**Ulfric Blackheart** · 04-22-2015, 03:35 PM

....so vampire Kirby....or that weird vampire bat guy from Spiderman.

Chaos · 04-22-2015, 04:20 PM

(04-22-2015 04:10 AM)neo_ozon Wrote:
(04-22-2015 12:25 AM)Marechal des logis Daedalus Wrote: So... basically a vampiric Kirby?

Sort of? Here, I expanded on Atlas' backstory a little more

Former science fiction hero Branton Goddard (alias Bat Atlas) has been de-evolving due to complications with his bat serum that accidently gave his powers thirty years prior and has become something less than human. His former sidekicks, The Cub Commandos (Boy Scouts with enhanced reflexes via serums of a lion, puma, jaguar, cougar, and panther) have already succumed to their own demons years ago and are dead because of it. Atlas still continues to survive by attacking random strangers and sucking their blood, giving him his powers back for a brief 24 hours, though in a diminished state and randomized

The commandos and de evolving bullshit sounds fucking stupid.
Who the fuck is gonna turn children into a bunch of furry sidekicks?
A super monkey vampire doesn't sound right in any language, do you mean destabilizing DNA that will eventually kill or turn the person into a pile of mush leaving them dead?
Everything else doesn't sound half bad just try to change the other shit so you don't have to regret it over all the Micheal Jackson jokes.

(04-22-2015 03:35 PM)Ulfric Blackheart Wrote: ....so vampire Kirby....or that weird vampire bat guy from Spiderman.

Morbius

Morlun is the current top vampire type now if Spiderverse is still going.

neo_ozon · 04-22-2015, 09:59 PM

(04-22-2015 04:20 PM)Chaos Wrote: The commandos and de evolving bullshit sounds fucking stupid.
Who the fuck is gonna turn children into a bunch of furry sidekicks?
A super monkey vampire doesn't sound right in any language, do you mean destabilizing DNA that will eventually kill or turn the person into a pile of mush leaving them dead? Everything else doesn't sound half bad just try to change the other shit so you don't have to regret it over all the Micheal Jackson jokes.

Well the story is supposed to be inspired by pulp novels of the 50's and early 80's and is still kind of in a rough state. Still though, I appreciate the criticism and feedback

Marechal des logis Daedalus · 04-23-2015, 04:08 AM

Camp is admittedly a great strategy for writing in that way, being able to throw in cheese and plot holes as enduring homage rather than a mistake. There is also that old, ambiguously credited cliche "write what you know" too, and Neo knows pulp culture.

I was never much a fan of writing this way, but then I have barely ever finished anything after high school, because I always manage to beat everyone else to picking everything apart. That mindset of compulsively dismissing everything can be very damaging to creativity. My English teacher in college told me I could write some good essays though.

Maybe I will start keeping a dream journal here, and just let sleep do the work for me.